Ok, so my last blog entry was kind of abrupt and open ended. Life doesn't suck, per se. It's just difficult. A couple weeks ago, I was finally starting to get excited about singing again. And then I had a lesson. It didn't help matters that I was having allergy problems and not singing my best for that lesson. In the meantime, my teacher completely bummed me out. She doesn't do it intentionally, but she can sometimes be a real downer for me.

My teacher and I are a lot a like. We're very demanding of ourselves and others and expect the best. Sometimes those expectations are reached. A lot of the time they are not. And when I can not meet those expectations, I really get distressed about it. My problem is that I have no clue how to relax. I'm a very intense person. I think anyone that knows me can attest to this. It doesn't matter what I am doing.

I certainly hope that I can learn to mellow with age. Unfortunately, singing is not so much about the intellectual as it is about kinesthesis. And sometimes I get myself so bound up mentally that it blocks any progress. That's what happened at that lesson.

It's funny. Everytime I think I have things figured out, somehow, someway, something throws me for a loop and then I'm back at square one. Is there any real way to figure these things out? I don't know. I still feel ambivalent towards singing and this so-called career of mine.

I was lounging around my apartment today and decided to do some singing. It felt good. I felt relaxed. When I get in my lesson environments, I get extremely tense. When it's just me taking it easy, I'm so much better at my singing. The funny thing is that I'm completely relaxed in a performance situation.

I will never forget my theatrical debut. I was 15 going on 16 and it was the part of Ali Hakim in Oklahoma! I was a nervous wreck the day of and before opening night. Mind you, nerves are a normal part of a performer's routine. Even the most seasoned performers get nervous for a performance. It's what you do about those nerves and how you manage them that separates the amateurs from the professionals.

Anyway, the nerves were mounting. And then the strangest, most bizarre thing happened to me. The second I stepped on stage in front of the public, my nerves went away completely. To this day, it still doesn't make any sense to me.

So my problem is not performing. It's the lessons and coachings, as well as the audition process that drives me insane. I wish I knew how to relax in those situations. Hell, maybe I should just get drunk before every lesson. Somehow I don't think that would be a very good idea.

The problem for me is that I over analyze everything. When I throw myself in to the music and the role, my singing completely changes. It's hard, however, to do that when your teacher is constantly stopping you and correcting you and then you add to the fact that I do the same thing to myself. Hey, that's what a teacher is there for. I've had teachers that basically told me how great I was and you do not learn anything from those situations.

The problem is basically mine. I have to learn to deal with it and accept it.

P.S. I wish I would write some movie reviews. I haven't had a chance in the last couple of weeks to see anything. But I did see Monster House, Pirates of the Caribbean, and You, Me, & Dupree. The last one is a clunker, but the other two are worth checking out.