A Constant State of Confusion

So I wanted to write something tonight, yet I don't really know what I want to write about. Perhaps I should talk about my constant state of confusion about my life.


As I discussed in my last blog entry, I'll be turning 29 soon. For most of my life, music has been a major part of my life. In fact, I will have been studying music for 20 years this fall. That's a long time for anyone. I've constantly thought that music is what I wanted. However, since I've moved out here to San Francisco, I've been questioning it. Don't get me wrong. I love music, but frankly, I'm tired of sacrificing for virtually nothing in return. I suppose that's the life of the "starving artist."

One of the things that my voice teacher is famous for is having slept on a park bench in Central Park during her student years. That's dedication! Keep in mind, she wasn't homeless. She was just sharing an apartment with too many people and needed her space, so to speak. I don't think I have that type of dedication. I want nice things. I like being able to pay for things with cash and not continually going farther and farther in to debt.

For the first time in my life, I have a job that I'm making decent money and while I still can't afford to buy extremely nice things, I am at least able to keep myself from going farther in to debt while at the same time paying it off. That's a nice and comforting feeling, let me tell you. Too many of us young people get in to so much financial trouble with those damn pesky credit cards that they send us while still in college.

So how do I tackle this problem of wanting more, yet not quite having the dedication? To pursue my career, it takes more than talent. I know I have the talent, it's just the dedication and ambition I'm lacking these days.

Youth no more?

Two weeks from today I celebrate my 29th birthday. It's my last year of my 20s. My age and birthday has never been a very big deal except for when I turned 21 when I could start "legally" drinking. I never make a big deal about them.

However, today I started doing some reminiscing. I was thinking about my high school days. I even did some searching for some people on Myspace.com. Unfortunately, I was a relative loner and didn't do a whole lot of socializing so I really didn't remember many of the people that I supposedly went to school with.

So while doing all of this it started to dawn on me. I'm getting older. No, I'm not old. I'm more self-aware to realize that I'm not old. But I am getting older. My gray hairs and my larger than desired belly prove it.

I graduated from high school 12 years ago and college 8. My oldest nephew is 18. My sister is 38 and my parents, particularly my mom, are almost 60. When I was younger I never really thought about getting older. I suppose that's how most people are. The funny thing is that I don't feel my age. I feel as though I'm 21 or 22. I still have a lot of life to live and a lot more things to accomplish.

In the end, it's what you do with your life that counts most and I still haven't done what I feel destined to do. As our country celebrates its 230th birthday, I say God Bless the youth and especially those that have lived longer than us that have the wisdom to show it.